


Distant Voices Fade

by vocal_fries



Series: Subtext Becomes Text [18]
Category: Star Trek: Deep Space Nine
Genre: Angst, Angst and Feels, Angst and Fluff and Smut, DS9 S3E18 "Distant Voices", Dissociation, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Garak and his goddamn feelings, Gentle Sex, Hand Jobs, Hurt/Comfort, Introspection, Julian and his goddamn feelings, Kissing, M/M, Multi, Suspense, Waiting, reintegration
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-16
Updated: 2020-01-16
Packaged: 2021-02-27 07:27:19
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,441
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22273297
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/vocal_fries/pseuds/vocal_fries
Summary: Garak and Rennan wait together while Julian is comatose after the telepathic attack in DS S3E18 "Distance Voices." After waking up, Julian wonders what his subconscious knows that he doesn't.
Relationships: Julian Bashir/Elim Garak, Julian Bashir/Elim Garak/Original Male Character(s)
Series: Subtext Becomes Text [18]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/965958
Comments: 22
Kudos: 72





	Distant Voices Fade

Elim Garak looked up to see Rennan Grax standing in the door of his shop, face streaked with tears.

“Julian’s in a coma,” Rennan blurted, his face crumpling as a fresh wave of tears hit him. “He was telepathically attacked by a Lethean who was burglarizing the infirmary. They think he has brain damage.”

Garak felt a jolt of shock pass through him. It had only been a few hours since he’d last seen Julian Bashir, perfectly healthy and feeling fussy about aging. They’d both met the Lethean, a brutish and heavy-handed dolt who’d stupidly tried to purchase bio-mimetic gel from a Starfleet doctor. He knew Letheans were dangerous, and Garak hoped Altovar’s obviously dim wits meant his psionic attacks lacked power.

Garak’s mind raced, but Rennan was waiting for a response, so he forced himself to speak. “Have they apprehended the Lethean?”

Rennan nodded tearfully. “Odo has him in custody.”

“Good,” Garak said, nodding. He wasn’t sure what he felt, exactly. Through the meditation practice he’d developed and perfected long ago as an intelligence agent, and which he’d once again begun to use daily, Garak had carefully maintained a heavy bulwark of detachment around himself for weeks now. Even so, he could feel the impact of the news about Julian worming its way under his defenses.

Rennan looked at him pleadingly. “Close the shop. It’s only an hour early. I know you two are still undisclosed, but do you want to go see him with me? I just came from the infirmary.”

Garak shook his head. “As far as anyone knows, we’re dining companions.”

Rennan’s forehead creased. “His friends will start visiting if- if he doesn’t improve. People know you and I are also friends. It’s not strange that I would have told you.”

Garak stared at Rennan, bracing himself as an unwelcome eddy of fear twisted fitfully around him.  _ If he doesn’t improve. _ It wasn’t possible. “He’ll improve.”

Rennan nodded, new tears spilling over. “Of course.” He took a deep breath. “Close the shop. They’re supposed to tell me as soon as his condition changes. We can go to my quarters.”

When Garak hesitated, Rennan took his hand.

“Please. I don’t know how you’re so calm right now, but I’m about to lose my mind. I don’t want to be alone.” Black Betazoid eyes looked beseechingly at Garak.

He sighed, then nodded. He initiated his quick-close protocol, taking a moment to skim his calendar, set an away message, and put away a project he’d been working on. He looked at Rennan, who was fidgeting impatiently. “Let’s go.”

They walked silently to Rennan’s quarters. Once they were inside and the door was locked, Rennan wrapped his arms around Garak, pressing his face against his neck.

Garak returned the embrace. Rennan shook in his arms, racked by silent tears. Garak kissed Rennan’s hair and rubbed a hand over his back reassuringly.

Finally, Rennan drew back, still clutching Garak’s shirt. His eyelids were swollen from crying. The man looked much younger than his 26 years. “Do you want a drink?” Rennan asked in a small voice.

“Why don’t you get comfortable, and I’ll bring us both some tea?” Garak suggested.

Rennan nodded, then walked to his sofa and sat slumped, holding a pillow. Garak replicated two cups of red leaf tea and joined him.

Rennan accepted the tea, sipped it, and had almost set it down before he started crying again. He leaned against Garak, his strong arms snaking around Garak’s waist.

“He’ll be alright,” Garak said quietly, setting down his own tea to avoid spilling it. A lie, but the only thing to say.  


Rennan obviously didn't believe it, either. He just cried wordlessly, holding on tightly. Garak stroked his back slowly with one hand. It didn’t seem to help. He kissed the top of Rennan’s head, then slipped his hand under Rennan’s shirt to touch his skin directly. Slowly, the young man calmed somewhat.

When Rennan stopped crying, he sat up. He took one of Garak’s hands in his. “I wish you’d let me feel you.”

Garak sighed, knowing immediately what he meant. “I’m sorry,” he said, though he didn’t feel particularly sorry.

“You’ve been closed off for weeks.” Rennan touched Garak’s hair. “I miss you.”

He squeezed Rennan’s hand. “I’m right here.”

“I know. But I miss you.”

“Rennan. I’m not going to be anything but firmly locked down with a violent Lethean on the station.”

Rennan bit his lip, not meeting Garak’s eyes. It was an uncharacteristic display of self-consciousness. “I know,” he repeated. ”I just- I really miss you. And I feel really alone right now.”

Garak knew the tears were coming before they overflowed Rennan’s eyes. He pulled the younger man against him, tucking Rennan’s head under his chin. “You’re not alone.” Garak leaned back against the corner of the sofa, putting his feet on the coffee table. Rennan followed him down, pressing his face against Garak’s chest and drawing his legs up next to him on the couch. “I’m here,” Garak said softly.

They stayed like that for a long time. Garak idly stroked Rennan’s shoulder, his hair. He felt Rennan’s grip on his shirt slowly relax. It was distasteful to admit, but Garak found the contact comforting as well. The weight of Rennan lying against him was comforting rather than oppressive. Garak stared at the wall, eyes studying a piece of art without really seeing it.

Icy fear had managed to seep through the thick mantle of emotional indifference he’d cultivated and sustained for well over a month now. He knew enough about Letheans to be terribly afraid for Julian. They were one of the species he’d been warned about during his anti-psionic training in the Order. Dozens of humanoid species were susceptible to Lethean telepathic attacks, and such attacks were usually fatal to individuals without significant psionic ability or training.

The intensity of his fear was startling. He’d spent the past several weeks emotionally weaning himself off Julian and Rennan. He still spent time with them, but he’d begun to think of it as maintaining a cover. He had always performed well in this type of challenge, and he was pleased with the verisimilitude of his performance in this particular role. When they were together, he kept himself wrapped in a cloak of numbness that allowed him to think clearly and without unproductive sentimentality. It was going well, all told.

But his failure to achieve true detachment was plain to him now. The specter of Julian’s death had cracked the dam, and he sensed the deluge of emotions pressed up against the retaining wall. Garak tried to slip into meditation, hoping to repair the fissure before it loosed havoc on him.

Rennan laced his fingers through Garak’s, and the Cardassian almost jumped. The movement startled him enough to disrupt his descent into meditation. He squeezed Rennan’s fingers lightly and kissed his hair.

He took a deep breath before speaking, unsure if he was playing a role or allowing himself a small measure of acquiescence. “Will you message the infirmary and ask for an update?”

Rennan stirred, sat up, and looked at Garak. His dark eyes were fearful. He nodded, then stood and walked to his communications panel. “Rennan Grax to infirmary.”

“Lieutenant Dax here.”

“Hi, Jadzia. I was hoping for an update on Julian.”

“Hi, Rennan. We’re still researching possible treatments, but unfortunately, he’s...not doing well. He’s been declining since he came in.” Jadzia sounded tired, strained. Sad. Worried.

Rennan’s eyes welled. “Thank you for letting me know.”

“He-” Dax hesitated. “He still has at least four or five hours, though we may be running tests during a lot of that time. I wanted to let you know, in case you want to come down here again.”

Rennan gripped the comm unit. “Thanks. I’ll come down in a couple hours. Or sooner, if something changes.”

“I think that’s a good idea. I’ll let you know, Rennan.”

“Thank you.”

The channel chirped closed, and Rennan stood next to it in tears, trembling but otherwise motionless. Despite himself, Garak felt the younger man’s grief finally pry open the crack in his defenses. Visceral pain burned through him, strangling his breath.

“Come here,” Garak said softly, steeling his voice against the nearly overwhelming ache. Rennan approached him slowly, looking at him through glassy eyes. When Garak took his hand, Rennan let himself be guided to sit on Garak’s lap. They held each other, Garak’s arms around Rennan’s waist and Rennan’s arms around Garak’s shoulders. “I’m worried about him, too,” Garak whispered, and Rennan sobbed next to his ear. Garak felt his eyes burn, and he carefully hid his face.

When Rennan stopped crying a few minutes later, he shifted himself off Garak’s lap to sit next to him in the corner of the sofa, legs still thrown across Garak’s, one arm across his shoulders. Garak rested his hands on Rennan’s legs. They looked at each other.

“I wasn’t accusing you of not caring,” Rennan said after a long moment. “Earlier. Just to be clear.”

Garak nodded. “I’m aware that I don’t emote in a way that non-Cardassians are likely to understand.”

Rennan gave a weak hint of a smile. “We’ve spent an awful lot of time together. You’ll forgive my audacity, I hope, but I read you pretty well most of the time.”

Garak mirrored the fragmentary smile. “I suppose you do.”

“It just seemed like… like you tried to shut down, maybe. Like you were refusing to feel it.”

Garak carefully maintained a neutral expression, weighing his words. “My first impulse upon hearing troubling news is to consider it analytically and look for actionable steps. I don’t really, ah, consider the emotional ramifications until later.”

Rennan’s face softened into something bordering on self-deprecation. “I can’t even imagine what that’s like. But I guess you’ve had the panic trained out of you.”

Garak raised a brow ridge. “Just the inefficient responses to panic.”

Rennan picked up one of Garak’s hands and kissed it. They lapsed into silence.

“I feel like I’m going to start screaming if they don’t tell us something soon,” Rennan said after a few minutes, eyes fixed on nothing. “I don’t know what to do with all this anxiety.”

Garak was silent for a long moment. His own anxiety was stripping the insulation from his nerves. “I don’t know either,” he said finally. He looked at the Betazoid. “You should drink your tea.”

“I don’t think that’s going to make me less anxious.”

“No,” Garak agreed. “But you’ve probably cried more than a teacup worth of tears since you came to the shop earlier. You’re going to get a headache if you don’t drink something.”

Rennan gave another weak smile. “That’s very practical.”

Garak leaned forward, retrieved the cup, and handed it to Rennan, who drained it and set it down again at the far end of the coffee table.

“Garak,” Rennan said, his voice tentative.

When he didn’t go on, Garak raised a brow ridge. “Yes?”

“Can I hold you?” His voice was very small, and his eyes were very large.

Somehow, in the midst of his pervasive pain, Garak’s heart found space for a new pang. “Of course.” He looked at Rennan, who hadn’t moved. “Do you really need to ask?”

“I guess not.” He glanced at Garak, then away. ”I can’t feel you, and my reaction to Julian being attacked has been...emotional.” He looked at Garak again, chewing his lip. “I’m afraid I’m being too demanding. You’re so strong and composed, and I haven’t stopped crying for more than a few minutes at a time. I feel...self-conscious, I guess.”

Garak stroked Rennan’s jaw. “Please don’t feel self-conscious. I wouldn’t be here if I didn’t want to be here.”

Rennan’s brow creased, then smoothed. He stared at his legs on Garak’s lap. “I know.”

Garak sighed. “I know you’re upset that I’ve had my defenses in place.” Rennan met his eyes. Garak cupped his face fondly. “Please don’t take it personally.”

Rennan shrugged, sheepish. “I’ve been trying not to.” He bit his lip. “So. Can I hold you? I feel insane, and it helps a little.”

Garak nodded slightly. “For me, too,” he said, ignoring the snide voice that mocked his lapse from masterful performance into sentimental sincerity.

Rennan shifted, extending one leg behind Garak, who leaned against Rennan. The Betazoid’s arms wrapped around Garak, pulling him closer, and the Cardassian folded his legs onto the sofa to let himself lie against Rennan’s chest. It was unfamiliar, being cradled like this, but Garak found it increasingly pleasant as the warmth of Rennan’s body began to sink into his muscles.

“Have you known many people who died?” Rennan asked after a while. His voice was as deep as ever, but he sounded small and child-like.

“Too many, probably,” Garak answered. He didn’t see much point in lying about it.

“Were you close to any of them?”

“No.” Garak paused. “Some, a bit. Not like this.” More honesty than he’d intended, perhaps.

“I don’t know what I’m going to do when...if Julian dies.” Garak could hear the tears in Rennan’s voice. “Even just thinking about it...I feel like someone’s tearing me in half.”

Garak turned, pressing a kiss to Rennan’s collarbone before burying his face in the younger man’s neck. He understood what Rennan was feeling. “He may end up surviving this,” Garak whispered, wondering at the ease with which the lie passed his lips. “But you absolutely will.”

He let Rennan cry into his hair. Silence fell. There was nothing left to say.

Garak thought about Julian’s mission to dismantle and destroy a stockpile of biological weapons after the T’Lani-Kellerun War. He’d believed Julian dead then, and the agony had been so exquisite that he’d wondered if his heart might stop. He’d run his cranial implant into the ground trying to stay functional.

He wished for the device now. Everything hurt. Rennan’s tight grip on him felt like the only thing keeping him from freezing over and shattering into a thousand useless pieces. He tried again to meditate, desperately chasing numbness. Every time he approached it, another wave of pain hit him. Garak tried to push it down, but the fear and pain finally saturated him. Rennan nuzzled Garak’s hair when the trembling took hold, saying nothing. Garak felt grateful for this naive, affectionate, wise young man.

Perhaps an hour had passed when Rennan received a call from the infirmary.

“Rennan? Julian’s awake!” Dax’s voice brimmed with joy and relief.

“What? That’s amazing!”

“I’m doing alright, Rennan,” Julian said tiredly over the comm. Garak’s chest felt like it might explode, hearing his voice. “We need to run a couple tests, but I’ll come by your quarters when I leave.”

“I can’t wait to see you,” Rennan said warmly.

The channel closed, and Rennan let out a little cry of excitement. He squeezed Garak in a bone-crushing hug. When Garak felt Rennan shaking this time, he knew it was relief flooding through him.

The tranquilizing effects of the news on his own nervous system were deeply welcomed. The immense tension that had been tightening his nerves, one by one, to the point of breaking finally dissipated, and Garak let himself truly relax in Rennan’s arms for the first time that day.

As he did, warm relief rushed through him like blood into a sleeping limb. It ached in a way that made him feel alive and hopeful. As his nerves recalibrated, he felt a burning desire to verify Julian’s safety and wellness. An ache to hold him. A fierce instinct to protect him.

Garak inhaled, exhaled, sighed. He supposed it was love. Still.

When Julian walked into Rennan’s quarters, Garak’s heart felt like it might escape his rib cage. He and Rennan both scrambled to their feet. He’d have to resume his rational distance later.

_____________

Julian had nearly been rehospitalized by the enthusiastic greeting he’d received upon entering Rennan’s quarters. Rennan and Garak had both leapt off the couch and rushed across the room, eager to confirm with their own hands that he was alive.

Julian was under strict orders to take it easy until the treatment he’d undergone had a chance to knock the inflammation out of his cranial blood vessels. They’d eaten a small dinner together, during which Rennan and Garak had each hovered close, finding reasons to touch him, doting on him, being so sweet Julian found himself feeling weepy a few times. He suspected the brain injury exacerbated his sentimental mood, but the love being showered upon him was unmistakable.

They’d retired to bed early, right after Julian self-administered a second round of medications. At first, Garak and Rennan had both kept a heartbreaking distance, as if they were afraid they might accidentally break him. When he’d demanded they either cuddle him or sleep without him, they’d finally stopped treating him like he was fragile.

The problem then, of course, had been keeping Julian’s heart rate in a safe range. After a few false starts, the three of them had figured out how to share a bed without anyone’s heart racing. It was very comfortable, once the most urgent wave of arousal passed. Julian reveled in the warmth and safety of being held by the two people he had most wanted to see when he awoke from his coma. As they lay curled together in the dark, he told them about his experience in the coma, what he’d seen in his hallucination, how he’d pieced together the information he needed to escape.

Eventually, sleep took them all. A few hours later, Julian woke up in the silent dark. He needed to check his vitals during the night, so he’d programmed an alarm to a frequency only he would hear. He didn’t move, too profoundly snug to even consider it. Rennan was pressed against his back, an arm wrapped around his chest, top leg resting on Julian’s lower leg. Julian’s top leg was between Garak’s thighs, their arms circled around one another, Julian’s head nestled against Garak’s throat. He took a slow, deep breath, inhaling the scent of the man.

It was so familiar. This man he’d spent so much time with the past few years. This man who infuriated him constantly, but never quite as often as he intrigued or beguiled him. Julian had never been in love with anyone the way he was in love with Garak. Being near enough to breathe him in, Julian knew this to the core of his being.

Yet his comatose hallucination had featured a duplicitous Garak, a saboteur who had tried to stop Julian from saving himself. It was hard to reconcile.

Julian stared into the dark, taking stock of his feelings. He didn’t think he mistrusted Garak. Not about anything that mattered, anyway. He knew Garak had secrets, but he didn’t believe Garak was a threat to him. Did he?

He thought about the night Garak had attacked him while suffering the breakdown of his cranial device. It had been nearly a year, and Julian considered himself healed. Through a slow, painstaking process, they’d rebuilt trust far beyond what had existed prior. He hadn’t been triggered in months, despite incorporating increasingly heavy play into their sex life. It didn’t make sense to him that he would suddenly feel suspicious of Garak again. It made even less sense to let the hallucinatory Garak touch him if the attack was the source of his fear.

Julian sighed. He racked his brain, needing to make sense of it all. The last time he’d been upset with Garak had been over a month ago, when they’d gotten into a fight over the mysterious Cardassian who’d turned out to be an Obsidian Order operative. They’d talked a bit, and although Garak had never explained why the woman’s presence upset him so much, Julian had taken Rennan’s advice and consciously decided to just let Garak have secrets. Within a few days, things had gone back to normal.

No single instance seemed sufficient to merit the suspicion his subconscious had cast upon Garak. As Julian began to tally things up, though, he wondered if maybe his unconscious mind was on to something. Maybe Garak wasn’t as trustworthy as he thought.

And of  _ course _ Garak wasn’t trustworthy. Everyone else knew that. Sisko. Odo. Kira. Miles. Everyone around him was wary of Garak, yet Julian himself had always insisted that they were simply being narrow-minded. He sighed. He felt like a fool. On some level, he must have known better. Maybe he’d been so infatuated he’d allowed himself to believe what he wanted to believe.

It made sense logically, but as Julian considered the sleeping Cardassian in his arms, his heart ached. He loved this man, but he didn’t trust him. He had proof.

Feeling upset was increasing his blood pressure and giving him a headache. Julian took a deep breath, then closed his eyes as he began his pre-sleep meditation. He was asleep before he reached the end.

He awoke to his second alarm just over three hours later. As he was checking his respiration, he heard his name.

“Julian.”

Garak’s voice was so soft that Julian thought he’d imagined it.

“Julian. You’re awake. Are you alright?”

Not his imagination. “I’m alright. I just needed to check my heart rate and respiration. Go back to sleep.”

Garak curled in on him, holding him closer. His heart jumped. Julian hesitated, then returned the embrace.

A long moment passed. Julian thought Garak had fallen asleep until he spoke again in that same nearly-inaudible whisper.

“I’m very relieved that you’re alright. I was...concerned.”

A pang twisted Julian’s heart. “I’m glad you and Rennan had each other this time.”

“I’m glad you’re here with us.”

Julian smiled. “I’m very happy to be here. I love sleeping between the two of you like this.”

Silence fell for a long moment. Julian was having a hard time measuring his resting heart rate.

“I very much want to kiss you.” Garak sounded carefully restrained.

Julian’s heart melted. “So kiss me,” he whispered back.

“Your blood pressure?”

Julian smiled. “You’re very sure of yourself,” he teased. “But I should be alright. Enough time has passed.”

“I don’t want to harm you.”

“I know you don’t. Kiss me.”

“Julian,-”

“Kiss me.” Julian tilted his face, making his lips accessible. He slid the fingers of one hand into Garak’s hair. Another moment passed before he felt Garak kiss his forehead. Julian’s skin tingled under the contact. Garak’s lips brushed over Julian’s face, and he kissed his eyebrow. His cheek. His jaw. Julian’s entire face was tingling with pleasure and anticipation by the time Garak’s lips found his.

When Garak kissed him, the room started spinning. Brain injury or no, Julian thought his head might explode from the sheer intensity. Garak kissed him in a way that made him feel profoundly cherished. It was dizzying. Julian poured himself into reciprocating, disregarding any lingering caution.

When they finally parted, they separated by mere millimeters. Both men were breathing raggedly.

“Sorry,” Garak whispered.

“No apologies,” Julian said, nipping his bottom lip very lightly. “That was perfect.”

Garak exhaled shakily, tongue tracing Julian’s lower lip and sucking it gently.

“I want you, Garak.”

Garak’s finger traced Julian’s ear lightly, and Julian shivered. “I don’t want to harm you.”

“You won’t.”

Silence.

“Do you want me?”

Garak paused for a split-second before answering. “I always want you.” His voice was nakedly honest.

Julian felt gooseflesh spread over him, letting Garak’s words reverberate through him. He skimmed his hand over Garak’s body, taking his time, traversing achingly familiar scales and flesh and ridges. He felt Garak quiver beneath his fingers, his breath catching. When Julian reached his ajan, he pressed his hand flat against it. Garak’s uneverted prUt, swollen and hard, stretched the lips of his ajan from the inside.

He kissed Garak, licking into his mouth, and curled his middle finger, feeling the digit slip between wet, engorged lips. Garak shuddered. Julian fingered Garak very slowly, lightly stroking his tongue with his own. The Cardassian trembled under his touch, holding onto him with shaky desperation.

Julian’s body blazed. It was so good to touch Garak like this. To feel his desire so acutely. Julian let the moment linger, drunk on the heady arousal between them.

“Evert for me,” Julian whispered into Garak’s mouth.

Garak’s prUt slid into Julian’s hand instantly. Julian smiled. He guided Garak forward until their erections aligned base over tip, allowing him to hold both in his hand at once. He stroked up and down their lengths, kissing Garak urgently.

Garak’s hand closed over his, stilling his motion and tightening his grip. Garak’s fingers began to swirl around the head of Julian’s cock, slick with his own fluids. Julian realized the same smooth motion that stroked his glans also twisted across Garak’s irllun ridge. He grinned against Garak’s mouth, biting his lip playfully. Garak inhaled sharply, and he sucked Julian’s tongue into his mouth.

Between them, Garak continued his ministrations. Clever fingers short-circuited Julian’s ability to think, and he panted into Garak’s mouth as he kissed him hungrily. He began to move the hand gripping their shafts together, keeping his strokes very short while Garak expertly stimulated the nerve center of each.

Neither of them lasted long. They kissed when they came, muffling and diffusing their cries of pleasure. They kissed as they came down, interlacing the fingers of their cum-covered hands. They kissed after Garak cleaned them up with a small towel from Rennan’s guest-side night table. They kissed as they drifted into sleep.

When Julian awoke the next morning, he felt guilty. He thought about the unreserved passion in the way Garak had kissed him. In the way he’d touched him. In the way he’d trembled with an overwhelming need to touch him. He thought about how deeply and undeniably loved he’d felt in Garak’s arms.

He sighed. His subconscious must be an insecure fool.

Julian rolled onto his back and closed his eyes. Rennan adjusted, settling under Julian’s arm and wrapping his own around Julian’s waist. When Julian was almost asleep, Garak rolled closer, wrapping an arm and leg over him.

Julian’s eyes fluttered open for a moment. In the near-dark, he looked at them. Rennan’s face was obscured beneath his sleep-messy hair, but his body was exposed to the hip. His pale shoulder and back gleamed, powerfully muscular even in repose. Garak’s face was covered to just below his eyes with the blanket, though his limbs were still almost cool to the touch beneath. Julian smiled. His eyes fell shut.

**Author's Note:**

> I'm hoping to stay on a better schedule with updating this series! We'll see? I'm extremely grateful to everyone still reading <3 And I *promise* this is *eventually* going to have a happy ending ;_; they deserve it and so do you!


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